Authenticity

By Suzanne Matthiessen

Over the years, I have watched how certain buzzwords and phrases become part of the spiritual/personal growth jargon. They're hot for a while (even if people struggle to offer a definitive explanation of what they mean), and then some fall out of fashion after being overused, or proven to actually mean nothing truly transformative or even real at all after they've been road tested for a bit (for example, "Do what you love and the money will follow."). Other words and phrases are definitely valid consciousness ideals to aspire to, yet they are often not fully embodied as both concepts held in the mind coupled with the necessary actions taken to actualize them. Instead, they are tossed about to give us a lovely spiritual appearance while in certain company if we feel it makes us sound enlightened to pepper our conversations with the latest consciousness lingo.

Although we generally mean well when using them, some buzzwords and phrases can be weapons of mass spiritual self-destruction when used by the oh-so-clever ego to make us feel superior over another whom we smugly feel "just hasn't gotten it." I don't need to list particular words or phrases that have become popular to illustrate this; if you have been involved in spiritual/personal growth for even a short amount of time you know what some of them are, and if you are radically self-honest, you may see that you too have sometimes adopted them in an ego-inflating manner.

With all that said, I'm going to discuss a word that is fairly popular in the spiritual/personal growth lexicon at the moment: authenticity. I admit to using it rather often myself. It's a word that has many interpretations depending on the person using it, especially what it means to be authentic and the values applied to that characteristic. In one basic description, authenticity means being true to your self – but then the subsequent question arises, "Do I be true to my lower self (ego-driven) or higher self (non-ego-driven), and which is more authentic?" This is a very good, and very important question, and the answer depends upon your own priorities at any given time – and what you have decided all of this authenticity stuff means. For the sake of the nature of this column, I am going to go with my hope that most people who are reading this wish to place their energy and attention on higher-self authenticity, even though you may not be fully living that intention and its companion commitments and actions in the present.

It's fairly safe to say that none of us likes being around phoney people, but it's also fairly safe to say many of us act phoney in select situations, and some of us many be so disconnected with who we even are (or never knew in the first place) that we are actually phoney most of the time. We may act a certain way because of an image we wish to project or a situation or social structure within which we want to fit. There is actually a buzz-phrase sentiment that we should "fake it until we make it" real - which I find an extremely fascinating idea to espouse. Does this mean we will become authentically fake if we work on creating the illusion hard enough?

I read an interesting article by psychotherapist Dr. Evelyn Sommers on the psycotherapy.net website titled "The Tyranny of Niceness." She writes that for a long time she described herself as a "nice" person, but discovered that her niceness was inauthentic because she was not expressing what she felt was her true self. She instead followed an internal pressure to keep up her socially approved appearance of what she thought being a "nice" person was, and by doing so, feel accepted – even though this behavior created extreme anxiety within to try and maintain. She describes her painful inner experience in a very profound way:

"There was a black hole in my existence, an interruption of my authenticity that manifested in a real disconnection between what I felt and thought and what I said. And the more I prevented myself from voicing my authentic thoughts and feelings the more I lost opportunities to hone the skills of honest, direct expression delivered in ways that are kind and respectful of the other person. When I did speak, my words were often fueled by anger - appearing as irritation, sarcasm, impatience - that blanketed a fear of rejection.

"Through self-reflection and observations of others I made the connection between silencing/suppressing my authenticity and being nice. Later, I saw that the connection applied to many of my clients. I saw the same patterns: suppression of thoughts and feelings, deep wishes for acceptance with a concomitant fear of rejection or judgment, anxiety, depression, and erupting frustration. These features were bound together by guilt, shame and fear."

Dr. Sommers' self-honesty about what she thought being a "nice" person was all about underscores my long-standing issue with another buzz-phrase that has been popular for some time – "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" Women in particular are told to "make nice" and "pick their battles" if they want "peace" in any type of relationship, often to the point of becoming submissive, disempowered, compromising their integrity, and surrendering their authentic higher self for love and approval by some person or entity they deemed important enough to do so for. But as Dr. Sommers' concedes within her own experience and that of her clients, many of us can only live the self-told lies of inauthenticity for so long, unless we constantly comfortably numb ourselves with all sorts of addictive behaviors in compensation for not being honest and true to ourselves.

So, you may then ask, what if what we think is our true self is actually a mosaic of un-transcended spiritually self-destructive shadow behaviors we allow ourselves to indulge in with the delusional notion that we are being authentic by engaging in them? Another very good question, but recognizing that possibility even exists is a doorway to greater awakening to your authentic higher self. Since I am operating with the hope that if you are reading this column you wish to put energy into your authentic higher self, you will be radically self-honest enough to know that indulging your lower egoic tendencies – as "authentic" to your true self as you may feel they are – is like a dog chasing its tail. The ego can be so darned clever, but if you follow the ego's dictates, you will wind up spinning 'round and 'round and not getting anywhere in terms of your spiritual/personal growth. The fact is, if you get real about all the negative-energy behaviors you justify and/or excuse (often with very good-sounding reasons), you will know that none of them will ever lead you to living your authentic higher self. It's very honorable (and important) to admit it if you are sometimes a bitch, a jerk, selfish, narcissistic, exploitive, manipulative, divisive, passive/aggressive, faux "love and light" - or any of the plethora of lower-self-descriptions you feel you authentically identify with right now, but it's critical to connect the dots and also comprehend that none of these lower self behavioral paths will ever lead you toward actualizing your authentic higher self, unless and until you careen into a major personal crisis that forces you to change course. If you've managed to fool yourself into thinking you're simply being true to yourself no matter how harmful the impact you may have upon others (and ultimately yourself) – it's ultimately a pathway to further enslavement to the ego's compulsions and desires and cementing your identity with your authentic, but inarguably lower self.

The deeper the old behavioral pattern groves, the more challenging it is to create new, more evolved ones – that's a huge part of why we fear change, even if it's for the better. Actualizing higher-self authenticity is not about suppressing those old habitual behavioral patterns; it's about transcendence and consciously choosing to reframe how we approach Life and run with all its many opportunities for growth – or choose to stagnate in our old status quo, often for lifetimes. In the case of Dr. Sommers' faux-appearance of niceness, she learned to make the authentic higher-self aligned behavioral choice, concluding (and subsequently teaching her clients) that "… openness and honesty delivered with respect and kindness is the healthy alternative to oppressive, silencing niceness."

One of the easiest ways to approach higher-self authenticity on a personal growth level is to employ honest, non-defensive self-inquiry about the nature of all your relationships (familial, romantic, work, etc.), and how you show up with each one. The initial questions to ask within are if you are gaining or losing energy in each one, and what dynamics are at play. Are you accountable for your side of the equation? Do you come from a dysfunctional family or Life situation that has imprinted you with guilt, shame or fear? Are your social skills not up to par for dealing with current societal situations? For some people, this process will necessitate assistance from a skilled professional therapist, counselor or coach, as the reasons for certain behaviors can be deep-rooted, and the transcendence and reframing process takes time.

On a spiritual level, the question is simple: do you live with unwavering transparency, in every moment of every day, the beliefs, values and virtues you claim to ascribe to? In other words, to use yet another buzz-phrase, do you "walk your talk" 24/7/365? If you don't, then you are not living with higher-self authenticity. As I have said in this column so many times over the years but it deserves the repetition: although we feel we can be pretty smart and pull the wool over the eyes of many kind and trusting souls, we never "get away" with anything on the spiritual level. There are no insignificant thoughts, choices, actions or behaviors that bear no karmic impact, and even just the notion we can maybe pull a fast one creates repercussions so detrimental to us spiritually we can't even fathom the depth of the de-evolutionary effects upon our soul.

As it is now a new calendar year, I would like to encourage you to make a commitment to live with as much higher-self authenticity you can muster from hereon out. Not because you want or expect it to get you anywhere, but because in this time of great need, it's a gift of humble, genuine service you can give to all whose paths cross yours. There is no resolution more important than doing what we can for the benefit of collective humanity, including doing our inner work to attain the highest states of authenticity possible.

© 2008, Suzanne Matthiessen.

Suzanne Matthiessen brings Mindfulness-Based approaches to human conflict and communication challenges, training teams within the workplace environment and teaching individuals in public workshops and conferences to discover productive, enlivening, humanitarian-based solutions to debilitating and costly interpersonal communication problems. Please visit her website, CommunicatingHumanity.org for more information.

This column was first published in the January 2008 edition of Oracle 20-20 Magazine, and is being re-printed on authentic-empowerment.net by permission of the author. This column may not be added in full to any website, copied, reprinted or reproduced in any other manner without written permission of the author. Links to this column and exact excerpts are allowed only with proper attribution and links to communicatinghumanity.org.